deployments and yoga....they fit right?

I've been needing to update this, but life is so boring right now that I don't really have that much to say. Mike made it to Afghanistan safely and I finally heard from him last night via yahoo and man was i ecstatic. I literally did my stupid little happy dance that just makes me look like a fool, but who cares? I talked to him. For like a whole 15 minutes. Excitement? I THINK SO!! We're only into day 6 of this deployment...as in 6 days since he left on the plane, not since he made it to "the hell hole" (yeah, decided that is my lovely nickname for that place) safely and that was a huge breath of fresh air.
In other news, I decided to try yoga for the first time today. Always thought about it, done everyother kind of workout, so why not that? I started with my 2 mile walk with the neighbor and the kids then came home and was all motivated. I popped in the dvd, still pumped, and got ready. Yoga mat? check. Water? check. Phone (in case Mike calls). check. Laptop in view in case he gets online? check, check, check. So I'm good to go Right?? HAHAHA. I made in through the warm up just fine. Even thought "man this isn't as hard as I thought it would be"..then the sun salutations or whatever the crap they're called started and OH MY GAWD, halfway through it felt like my body had been stretched into every direction imagineable and I was pretty sure I was going to fall apart. What happened to my dancer's grace I used to have? More so, where the hell did my sense of balance and centering go? Apparently it left me, because it sure wasn't with me today! So because of today's painful, clumsy, stretching, (un)pretzel like movements, improving my yoga is just yet another thing added to my deployment to-do list. I'll keep ya updated. But at this moment i'll just say oww and I really can't wait for the kids to go to bed so I can take a nice hot bath with aromatherapy salts :) (there's my silver lining).
Ok, that's it for now, I have a lot more to say but the kids are yelling for me to play a game with them so off I go! Update for ya soon. XOXO~me

Hello Cherry Point..

Well, I guess I lied the other day, Mike didn't leave yet. Instead, he has been just sitting in Cherry Point and waiting....so on Friday I said screw this and made the 6 1/2 hour drive here, and it's been well worth it!! I'm leaving Wednesday...no sooner b/c we want to spend every last possible minute together. So corny I know but oh well. The kids are loving it, Mike is loving it, and well I'm definitely loving it. My mother in law came her Saturday to see him before he left again and and we had a blast...I am so blessed to have her as my mother in law!! And we FINALLY had some family pictures made. Thanks to my friend Jennifer for driving the hour from J'ville to not only watch the kids so Mike and I could go out but for also doing the pics for us the next day. She is an amazing photographer and none of us realized she was taking 3/4 of the pictures that she did. I know this is all a lot of rambling, but I'm tired as hell but it's so worth the late nights. Last night was Peggle night (stupid addicting game) and Mike decided that the loser had to drink, and I was very obviously the major loser. Wow, I know Mike got more than one laugh from me last night. It was fun! And no, I wasn't beligerantly drunk just felt really good and YES the kids were asleep. Hate when I have to justify myself on my own blog but some people just like to judge way to much so I had to put my little disclaimer in there ;) Well, I know this is a short blog but I'm gonna go cuddle up next to my sleeping husband....he looks so peaceful and watch cartoons with my kids. Thank God for king sized beds when we;'re having a lazy hotel day. Will update again soon. Much Love!!

Things you may not know about me

Ok, so there are a lot of random stupid things that people don't know about me....some embarrassing, some shocking, some just funny...so, I'm gonna do a nice little list for you...:)

1. Everyone knows this one, I am TERRIFIED, PETRIFIED, INSANELY SCARED of freaking clowns. I have a theory I will die by being murdered by a clown on an elevator. Don't laugh, it's true.

2. I'm incredibly judgemental of myself. I'm definitely my own worst critic. Always have been, but as I get older, it gets worse. What people say looks great about me or is great about me, I will find all the negatives. It's a horrible trait, but it is what it is.

3. Before I'm 30 I want to go to Germany just to visit Anne Frank's secret Annex. Been one of my dreams since I first read the book many years ago.

4. I want to adopt at least one child in my life. Since I can't have another one, but want another one, and there are so many children out there without families, it feels like something I was meant to do.

5. I have about 10 different things I want to major in. Somehow someday I will complete all my dreams. Or at least try too.

6. I feel most at peace when I'm at the beach. Something about watching my kids play and soaking up the sun rays just takes all my stress away. Summer can't get here fast enough.

7. I want to dance again. Not just dance, I want to compete again. I don't see it possible, but I miss it so much and I dance every chance I get it.

8. My grandparents are my heroes...and even though my papa died recently, he still remains my hero and I believe he is watching over me nonstop.

9. I'm petrified of roller coasters, but love the thrill of riding them. Before I get on I literally want to puke, but it's worth the thrill.

10. I want to go skydiving, even though I'm scared of heights....and free falling. But it seems like an amazing experience and it's something I will do.

11. I have never shot a gun in my life, am actually scared to even be around them, so I'm making Mike take me shooting when he gets home from deployment. Hopefully it will rid me of my fear.

12. I love Disney movies :)

13. It's a secret, so keep it to yourself, but I LOVE the Twilight series, and countdown to the movies like I count down to homecomings. Mike thinks it's hilarious. Oh well.

14. I have a lot of Cherokee Indian in me, but you can only tell in the Summer when I have a tan. Any other time I'm pale as a ghost. I need to go to the tanning bed.

15. I'm incredibly conceited about my hair. It took me a month to decide to cut it and even longer to actually do it. But thank goodness it looks good...or I'd seriously wear a wig. Yes, that bad.

16. Even though I've lost a LOT of weight, I'm still quite self conscious about the way I look. One of my goals is to improve my view on myself during this deployment.

17. I love wearing pajamas all day and watching lifetime. And eating popcorn or ice cream with it.

18. I really hate working out. But I need to do it. GRR

19. I love to write, but I never think it's good enough so I never post the stuff.

20. I think that's all I got for now....

Thanks for reading if ya did!

Been so long!

Wow, didn't realize how long it has been since i've been on here. Don't think anyone really reads anyway, so guess it doesn't matter to much. But moving on....

I sent Mike off to Cherry Point today for him to go off to Afghanistan. I haven't thought of a nickname for this one yet...Iraq was the sandbox but this so isn't the same. Right now Mike has dubbed it "the shithole" and I have a feeling that the nickname will stick. Everything about this time around is different. Frequent internet access? HAHA NOT! Frequent phone calls?? Yeah, right! Baby wipe baths? Yup, definitely so. The goodbye was different...we walked away from everyone to the car and helped me with the kids, kissed them bye, kissed me bye and handed me his wedding band (Don't let him take it b/c his fingers swell way to bad in the heat). He walked away. I grabbed him one more time and kissed him again. It was raining (so fitting, fit my dreary sad here we go again mood) so he rushed me to get going. Thank God b/c the buses were pulling up and I LOATHE those things. Well, we have a hate/love relationship. Hate them at the beginning LOVE them at the end. Unfortunately, we have several months to the end. BUT we'll make it. I truly believe, even through all the bullshit people cause, that we will once again survive it. Probably come out stronger than ever.

I do worry about the kids. They're used to the AZ trips where it was like 8 weeks. They don't really remember the last deployment...so, i'm curious/anxious/scared to see how they are two months from now. Guess we shall see...but I know I am capable of doing this, Mike knows I am, and my family does too. Here's to another deployment!

I'm ending this short blog with this...
Dear Lord, please keep my husband safe. Protect him from harm and always let him know that I love him and we are waiting for him back here at home.

I love you Michael John...you are pretty amazing. Even through all the hard times! Be safe baby!

My baby isn't a baby anymore

"Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown. In my heart it don't mean a thing."
-- Toni Morrison

Today I met Tristan's first teacher. The teacher I will give him up too for 2 hours a day, 5 days a week. I met the woman I have to trust to influence him and comfort him when mommy isn't there to protect him. I walked in and he started playing with all the new toys. His eyes sparkled as he took in this whole new world, this world he's heard about so many times but never actually knew. He had this look of amazement and wonder and it hit that I really had to let him go in a couple of days. I had to make myself realize that I've taught him and raised him to do this, to be able to handle this. I had to remember that this is what mother's do. They spend everyday trying their best to make sure their children grow to learn to love, to have compassion,to trust,to always have faith in God, and have faith in others. However, in the middle of all these thoughts, Tristan turned and smiled at me and in that moment all I could see was the moment I first saw him. I remember still lying there on that wonderful operating table hearing him cry. That cry was all I needed and this feeling of relief came over me. The fear of something going wrong with his birth was gone, nothing but a memory. And then Mike carried him over too me. Until that moment I had NEVER felt love like that. I stared at him in disbelief. This beautiful baby boy with his gorgeous lips and blue eyes...his dark hair his tiny little nose. Mike put him close to me so I could kiss his sweet little head and I made him pull the blanket away so I could see his perfect little fingers and toes. At that moment with all this love came fear. Fear for all the things that could face him in life. The fear of knowing that I am who he depended on, I was the one who had all the power to comfort him, to love him, to teach him, nourish him, kiss his owie's and make everything better when he was sick. I took on this whole new responsibility and at that exact moment I knew I would live for him and my future children. My world was no longer my own...I never wanted my own again. Every moment since then has been consumed with love, fear, worry, happiness, amazement and pretty much every emotion a person could ever feel. I held on to that memory for a few brief moments then allowed myself to snap back into reality. When I did, I felt a new reality. I knew that as hard as it is going to be to walk him into that classroom and kiss him goodbye on Monday, it's still going to be a whole new amazing wonderful chapter in our lives. To watch my son grow up, to see him with this whole new independence is simply the reason of my being. I know one day soon he's going to get his feelings hurt, or maybe he'll get in trouble and put in time out, he might get a broken heart from that 4 year old girl on the other side of the room :( but I know through it all, I will always be there. Every step of the way. No matter how many hours he's at school, he will always have his mommy there to comfort him, to reassure him ,sometimes punish him, sometimes hug him. He is my baby, he is Sean's big brother, he is Mike's spitting image, He and Sean are my everything and I look forward to everyday of the future.
And now since I'm seeing the computer screen in a major blur I'm going to go kiss my children and tell them how much mommy loves them. Then probably have to fuss at them to clean the room I know they haven't :) Wouldn't trade a moment of it for the world

True friends are rare

"When I'm asked what one happy thought is, I always say that no matter how big the fight is I always have a best friend."

I don't even know how to begin this blog...being emotional isn't helping I'm sure. I've heard so many times a true friendship is rare, hold on to it when you find it. It's such a simple phrase, but it is so difficult sometimes to hold a friendship together. It's true...like any relationship, a friendship takes work and loyalty and trust and love. Finding "friends" starts at such a young age...even as a toddler you meet and associate with other peers and say "i love you" to everyone you meet that makes you smile. Just yesterday I took Tristan to swim practice and when we walked through the entrance, a little girl named lily ran up to tristan and said "will you give me a hug?" He did of course and he and Lily later had to be separated because they wouldn't stop talking long enough to listen to the instructors. But woah getting way off original topic here. Ok, so what I'm trying to say is it is so simple for children to make friendships because they're so innocent. There's no judgement, no what if's, nothing at all. It's just simply a you seem nice, let's go play. Such a beautiful thing. But when you start to grow up...there's all the social aspects. How does the person dress? How do they look? Are they in the right crowd? Do they have something in the past that people harrass them about? Should I jump on the bandwagon and cast stones also or stick around and get to know the person? You get the idea. You've been there I'm sure. LUCKILY though, I do have a couple of friends that don't "cast stones" at me for my past mistakes, and i'm sure not for my future ones either. The one that actually inspired this blog knows who she is and she knows she means the world to me. This person whom I CHOOSE to call my best friend is one of the kindest, most loving, funniest, smartest, most beautiful women I know. Her and I have had quite a few ups and downs. Not just in our friendship, but also in our seperate lives the past year a half. Due to others, we've even went months without speaking but I never once stopped considering her my best friend. And she proved it the day Mike deployed...i was feeling so alone that next morning and low and behold I get a text from her telling me she was there for me and she loved me and we went right back to the way things had been prior to stupid boys messing up our friendship. Since then there have been a lot of hard times for the both of us. Times we have cried together, laughed together, plotted murder (hahah joking but it sounded good) and threatened to kick eachothers butts if we apologized to crying or venting ever again :) More recently we've had some more hard moments. As in the past, we both hurt. I mean that's what best friends do right? Miss each other when they're not there correct? If not, then yeah, I'm weird and can't stand the thoughts of not having my best friend a part of my life. It's just not something I like to think about. But anyway, I was straying from the topic again my bad. But once again, we've found our way back. It sometimes takes being scared or getting worried and having to know the other person is ok to mend the friendship. Sometimes it takes a big fight and a lot of tears to make a person realize how much someone means to them. Sometimes it's as simple as just not feeling complete without the person to turn too, even if it's just to tell a funny joke. Either way, the ones who truly matter, the ones who are meant to be in your life are the ones that always pick up the pieces WITH YOU and don't leave you to do it alone..no matter how hard things were a few minutes before. THAT IS FRIENDSHIP. And I'm so thankful for the true friendships that I do have..though they are few and far between, they are all worth it

The frustration!!

It's been a while since I updated this thing so why not do it now? My frustrations are sky high with things and hopefully writing will make me feel a little better. We'll see how that works out for me. The past week has been such a whirlwind of emotions and I literally go from crying to laughing to flipping out in a matter of minutes but hey that's me for you. I've never been that great at keeping my emotions in check...but it's fine, that's who I am and I give up on changing it. Within a week, I've almost lost my marriage, realized who my true friends are. But Mike and I are working very hard to keep our marriage alive and HEALTHY and those who think i'm stupid for it well I don't care. Mike and I have had some of the worst times ever...times that most people would literally just give up on and say it's not worth it. I've had moments when i've been laying on the floor crying just from sheer irritation and hurting and not knowing what to do. Mike and I have said some of the most hurtful things to eachother, things that would usually be unforgivable. We've hurt eachother alot...BUT we find our way back to eachother. Back to the laughs and happiness. Back to the smiles and the playful flirting. Something always happens where we look at eachother and know that we do love eachother with all our hearts and it makes us get our heads out of our asses and do what we have to do to get things "right". This time is proving the same. So, it's hard but we're getting there. I'm sure there's plenty of arguments to come...plenty of hurtful words...but marriage is a job. You just don't get paid for it.
Now onto my other "issue" in life. WTF is wrong with some people? I'm so so so tired of being there and giving my all in a friendship and then the moment the "friend" decides i'm not there enough or there's to much "drama" (see whole story above about my LIFE) they walk away like i'm nothing. Like i'm just dog crap on their shoe and not worth their time. Well, guess what? As much as I love these people I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here and beg for forgiveness and apologize and all that when it's all in vain anyway. Granted, yeah the past week I haven't been around for people like I should I guess. But for once, I had to put others to the side and focus on me and my family. Sorry for that. But I know I've made the right decision. So many times I've given up time with my husband and everyone else just to be there and listen to and comfort a "friend" while they need me. And never once did I complain or regret it. And you know what? I still dont regret it. It sucks that these people aren't in my life anymore...and it hurts more than i'll ever let show, but it's not something I have time to deal with right now. Right now my focus is my marriage, my children, my house, school work, the friends who are true and then finally ME! I've got to live for me everyonce in a while. As selfish as that may seem, but I have too. I can't possibly make Mike happy, or even my kids happy, if I'm not truly happy. So days at the gym are starting and Tuesday night dinners at Carolina Wings with my family, Movie nights with mike and ofcourse 1 vs 100 on xbox (mike and i have a new addiction). This is my life. If people don't like it, then leave it. Don't expect me to conform to what everyone wants anymore. I will not let it ruin my marriage, my life, or my kids life. Got it? Good