My baby isn't a baby anymore

"Grown don't mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown. In my heart it don't mean a thing."
-- Toni Morrison

Today I met Tristan's first teacher. The teacher I will give him up too for 2 hours a day, 5 days a week. I met the woman I have to trust to influence him and comfort him when mommy isn't there to protect him. I walked in and he started playing with all the new toys. His eyes sparkled as he took in this whole new world, this world he's heard about so many times but never actually knew. He had this look of amazement and wonder and it hit that I really had to let him go in a couple of days. I had to make myself realize that I've taught him and raised him to do this, to be able to handle this. I had to remember that this is what mother's do. They spend everyday trying their best to make sure their children grow to learn to love, to have compassion,to trust,to always have faith in God, and have faith in others. However, in the middle of all these thoughts, Tristan turned and smiled at me and in that moment all I could see was the moment I first saw him. I remember still lying there on that wonderful operating table hearing him cry. That cry was all I needed and this feeling of relief came over me. The fear of something going wrong with his birth was gone, nothing but a memory. And then Mike carried him over too me. Until that moment I had NEVER felt love like that. I stared at him in disbelief. This beautiful baby boy with his gorgeous lips and blue eyes...his dark hair his tiny little nose. Mike put him close to me so I could kiss his sweet little head and I made him pull the blanket away so I could see his perfect little fingers and toes. At that moment with all this love came fear. Fear for all the things that could face him in life. The fear of knowing that I am who he depended on, I was the one who had all the power to comfort him, to love him, to teach him, nourish him, kiss his owie's and make everything better when he was sick. I took on this whole new responsibility and at that exact moment I knew I would live for him and my future children. My world was no longer my own...I never wanted my own again. Every moment since then has been consumed with love, fear, worry, happiness, amazement and pretty much every emotion a person could ever feel. I held on to that memory for a few brief moments then allowed myself to snap back into reality. When I did, I felt a new reality. I knew that as hard as it is going to be to walk him into that classroom and kiss him goodbye on Monday, it's still going to be a whole new amazing wonderful chapter in our lives. To watch my son grow up, to see him with this whole new independence is simply the reason of my being. I know one day soon he's going to get his feelings hurt, or maybe he'll get in trouble and put in time out, he might get a broken heart from that 4 year old girl on the other side of the room :( but I know through it all, I will always be there. Every step of the way. No matter how many hours he's at school, he will always have his mommy there to comfort him, to reassure him ,sometimes punish him, sometimes hug him. He is my baby, he is Sean's big brother, he is Mike's spitting image, He and Sean are my everything and I look forward to everyday of the future.
And now since I'm seeing the computer screen in a major blur I'm going to go kiss my children and tell them how much mommy loves them. Then probably have to fuss at them to clean the room I know they haven't :) Wouldn't trade a moment of it for the world